Emotional abuse is a major problem in our culture today, whether experienced in our private relationships or in our public discourse. From parents verbally and physically abusing their children to spouses abusing each other, our homes often are places of emotional scarring, rather than places of refuge and repose.

And what happens in our private domain gets mirrored in our public forum. We have all witnessed the shameful tension around the health care debate. That debate is no less vitriolic than the discourse around issues such as national security, the housing crisis, the national debt, education, and a host of other critical issues. While no one will debate the importance of these issues — or the passion that they deserve — what is sad, and even frightening, is the emotional abuse that we bring to our handling of these issues.

The character attacks (including racial assaults and even death threats) go far beyond healthy political discussion, and reach a level of emotional abuse at a mass group level.

Whether emotional abuse occurs at the family level or the mass group level, it stems from a struggle over power relationships. In our October 13, 2009 post, Why Do We Fight? we discussed the innate tendencies toward fighting to resolve conflict. Ultimately, we can stay stuck at this level, or we can choose to move to a new level of conflict resolution. It is the level that all the great masters tried to teach us: the way of Love.

Although this sounds simple — and it is — it is not easy. Embracing love as the way to resolve conflict is the most robust skill we can master. We must begin by mastering our own internal enemies (our ego), and along the way, being able to embrace the foibles of the other person — or group. When we truly know who we are, then we can accept others just as they are — without trying to change them.

We spend tremendous energy trying to change other people, which simply does not work. Even if a person is going to make changes, they will do so because they are ready to do so. Our inspiration may be one of many influences in their change process, but their change is a work of spirit — not our genius or judgment.

Rather than abusing each other, by tearing each other down, we need to spend all of the energy we can muster building each other up. My mother was a very wise person, although she was a high school drop-out. One of her very wise sayings was, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” So many times I have learned to look for the good in everybody by forcing myself to say nothing until I had something good to say.

Tiger Woods, on his Web site Friday, admitted to infidelity and said he is taking "an indefinite break" from professional golf to focus on his family. This story is a major "water cooler" conversation. People love to gossip and render opinions about these kinds of situations. I have even heard news commentators suggest that we must "forgive" Tiger for what he has done. This is -- in part -- responding to his statement of contrition. Still, I find it amazing for me to think I have anything to forgive. After all, whatever did or did not happen is really a private matter between him and his wife. Whatever forgiveness there is to be done, must be done between Tiger's family, himself, and his God. I must stay clear of the situation. Too often, we spend an inordinate amount of energy and attention on weighing in on the private struggles of other families. This energy could be better spent in humility, recognizing that whenever a member of the family of humanity is weakened it points to the weakness of us all. My spiritual energy is best spent, therefore, in self-examination: what personal struggles -- spoken or unspoken -- should I be dealing with?

A resolution that has a list of ten covenants has been drafted by one of the U.S. political parties.  Each of its members must agree to at least eight of these covenants or be denied party support.  The requirement for concurrence with only eight out of ten is intended to show an allowance for diversity.  However, the entire notion of explicit standards for membership raises interesting questions about true allegiance.  Although almost all groups and societies have their creeds or organizing documents, it is not clear that written standards establish loyalty or belonging.

In the Christian faith, Jesus the Christ came along and challenged the Ten Commandments, which had long held the position of being the foundation of the faith.  Instead, he said, “If you love your creator and love all created ones just as you love yourself, you will have reached your goal.”

Anyone who has been in love knows that you cannot capture the qualities for love on a checklist.  Oh, you can write up a checklist, but when you meet the right person, you will throw the checklist out the window.  Why?  Because love in its essence cannot be captured on paper.  The energy that fuels and maintains love is not two-dimensional or even three-dimensional; it has more dimensions than could possibly be captured in physical space.

And so it is when we extrapolate people’s loyalty to a group.  The true essence of loyalty cannot be captured on two-dimensional paper or based on explicit standards.  If we try to reduce membership to such criteria, we miss the point.

Actual belonging — whether in a one-on-one relationship or in a larger group — is a function of the heart.  It happens at soul level.  That can never be put on paper.

               He drew a circle that shut me out –

               Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout.

               But Love and I had the wit to win:

               We drew a circle that took him in.

                   –”Outwitted”, Edwin Markham, 1913

Our society loves to define ourselves by putting everyone in categories.  We live in tidy compartments of ethnicity, religion, politics, gender, age, sexuality and more.  In some cases, these labels mean very little, but in other cases, the circles we draw define who is on our side and who is the enemy.  

In 1858, Abraham Lincoln (quoting Matthew 12:25) pointed out that “a house divided against itself cannot stand”.  He was speaking specifically to the issue of slavery in his day, but the same is true concerning the divisions that separate us today.  So long as we strive and contend against one another, we cannot move forward as a people.  Instead, we waste our energy and our resources on internal struggles. 

If we seek real solutions to today’s problems, we must move beyond the “us versus them” way of thinking.  Our true economic recovery will come when the wealthy, the middle class and the poor all recognize that their own success depends upon the others’.  Our health care issues will be resolved when we choose to provide all people with the level of care that we expect for ourselves.  Our turmoil over social issues will give way to understanding once we genuinely listen to each other’s stories.  It’s simply a matter of drawing circles that take the other person in.