I grew up in California at a time when swimming was a part of the high school curriculum. A life guard was a full-time faculty member, whose only responsibility was to insure the safety of the students in the water. Well, in a moment of negligence on his part, I almost drowned! Although that moment occurred some 47 years ago, I can still viscerally recall those moments. Death literally stared me in the face!

For many years after that I would not get close to a swimming pool. Perhaps the school waived the state requirement for me so that my family would not press charges. As the years went by, I watched many of my friends enjoy swimming pools and days at the beach while I was frozen with fear.

During all of those years, I had a deep seated longing to become friends with the water. It wasn’t the water that was my enemy; it was my fear of the water that immobilized me. That same water that represented death to me represented profound joy and pleasure to many other people.

So year in and year out I was tortured with a calling from within: I must conquer my fear, or continue to let my fear conquer me.

And so it is for each of us with the “swimming pools” of our lives. The objects themselves are neither good nor bad: they just exist. It is our fear or our willingness to learn how to swim that determines whether or not we will get from the starting point to the finish line.

So, finally, at the age of about 53 I learned how to swim. I had some wonderful teachers  — who were like children to me (“And a little child shall lead them”) — but they taught me how not to be afraid of the water. One of the most important aspects they taught me was to relax and float on my back. I could not do that if I had any amount of tension and/or distrust. It is imperative that I let go and trust the water. The water really will take care of me, but only if I let it. That is perhaps the most difficult aspect, because, as a leader, I am so accustomed to being in control. The more I try to be in control, the more I will sink.

Now my fear of the water was not unjustified. Fear has its place in our lives. Its function is to warn us of possible harm. If a child just gets in the ocean without knowing how to swim, they will drown. My teachers were my angels that surrounded me with love and guidance, showing me the things I needed to do to make the water my friend. What is more, they let me know that they would always be there to protect me, in case I got in trouble.

Many people think that the opposite of love is hatred, for hatred seeks to harm the one whom love would uplift. Others say that the opposite of love is indifference, for indifference ignores the other person altogether. While it is true that both hatred and indifference oppose love, they are each too small in scale to serve as love’s polar opposite. The true force that opposes love is self-centeredness.

It is self-centeredness that responds with hatred when another person hurts us or seems different from us. It is self-centeredness that responds with indifference toward those who cannot or will not benefit us. One may look at each of the “seven deadly sins”, and each of them is rooted in selfishness: envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth and wrath. All things that stand against love are rooted in selfishness. All things founded in love require the taming of one’s own self-centeredness.

If we wish to become better human beings, then, our most essential task is to learn to get over ourselves. We need to truly get into our hearts that the world does not and should not revolve around us. The Golden Rule is a good starting place; when we manage to treat others the way we wish to be treated, we greatly improve our lives and the lives of those around us. The greater challenge, however, is to internalize that rule, to love others the way we wish to be loved. That is the true key to reaching our human potential.

When we do learn to live in love, amazing results can happen. People like Mother Theresa, Gandhi and Jesus all show the power of a life dedicated to love. While most of us are unlikely ever to attain that level of achievement in the area of love, we do have the ability to change our own corners of the world for the better. By tempering our own egos and developing our capacities for compassion, we can build stronger families, more productive workplaces, and healthier communities. It’s all a matter of love.

Emotional abuse is a major problem in our culture today, whether experienced in our private relationships or in our public discourse. From parents verbally and physically abusing their children to spouses abusing each other, our homes often are places of emotional scarring, rather than places of refuge and repose.

And what happens in our private domain gets mirrored in our public forum. We have all witnessed the shameful tension around the health care debate. That debate is no less vitriolic than the discourse around issues such as national security, the housing crisis, the national debt, education, and a host of other critical issues. While no one will debate the importance of these issues — or the passion that they deserve — what is sad, and even frightening, is the emotional abuse that we bring to our handling of these issues.

The character attacks (including racial assaults and even death threats) go far beyond healthy political discussion, and reach a level of emotional abuse at a mass group level.

Whether emotional abuse occurs at the family level or the mass group level, it stems from a struggle over power relationships. In our October 13, 2009 post, Why Do We Fight? we discussed the innate tendencies toward fighting to resolve conflict. Ultimately, we can stay stuck at this level, or we can choose to move to a new level of conflict resolution. It is the level that all the great masters tried to teach us: the way of Love.

Although this sounds simple — and it is — it is not easy. Embracing love as the way to resolve conflict is the most robust skill we can master. We must begin by mastering our own internal enemies (our ego), and along the way, being able to embrace the foibles of the other person — or group. When we truly know who we are, then we can accept others just as they are — without trying to change them.

We spend tremendous energy trying to change other people, which simply does not work. Even if a person is going to make changes, they will do so because they are ready to do so. Our inspiration may be one of many influences in their change process, but their change is a work of spirit — not our genius or judgment.

Rather than abusing each other, by tearing each other down, we need to spend all of the energy we can muster building each other up. My mother was a very wise person, although she was a high school drop-out. One of her very wise sayings was, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” So many times I have learned to look for the good in everybody by forcing myself to say nothing until I had something good to say.