I grew up in California at a time when swimming was a part of the high school curriculum. A life guard was a full-time faculty member, whose only responsibility was to insure the safety of the students in the water. Well, in a moment of negligence on his part, I almost drowned! Although that moment occurred some 47 years ago, I can still viscerally recall those moments. Death literally stared me in the face!

For many years after that I would not get close to a swimming pool. Perhaps the school waived the state requirement for me so that my family would not press charges. As the years went by, I watched many of my friends enjoy swimming pools and days at the beach while I was frozen with fear.

During all of those years, I had a deep seated longing to become friends with the water. It wasn’t the water that was my enemy; it was my fear of the water that immobilized me. That same water that represented death to me represented profound joy and pleasure to many other people.

So year in and year out I was tortured with a calling from within: I must conquer my fear, or continue to let my fear conquer me.

And so it is for each of us with the “swimming pools” of our lives. The objects themselves are neither good nor bad: they just exist. It is our fear or our willingness to learn how to swim that determines whether or not we will get from the starting point to the finish line.

So, finally, at the age of about 53 I learned how to swim. I had some wonderful teachers  — who were like children to me (“And a little child shall lead them”) — but they taught me how not to be afraid of the water. One of the most important aspects they taught me was to relax and float on my back. I could not do that if I had any amount of tension and/or distrust. It is imperative that I let go and trust the water. The water really will take care of me, but only if I let it. That is perhaps the most difficult aspect, because, as a leader, I am so accustomed to being in control. The more I try to be in control, the more I will sink.

Now my fear of the water was not unjustified. Fear has its place in our lives. Its function is to warn us of possible harm. If a child just gets in the ocean without knowing how to swim, they will drown. My teachers were my angels that surrounded me with love and guidance, showing me the things I needed to do to make the water my friend. What is more, they let me know that they would always be there to protect me, in case I got in trouble.

The other day, some friends introduced me to their newborn baby. The experience opened my eyes anew to the wonder of human growth and potential. Our futures are not set in stone.

A newborn baby certainly has encoded characteristics such as the physical aspects of race. The child’s genetics and prenatal experiences will influence personality and health. Nationality, family and birth order are already determined.

To a newborn baby, however, none of these characteristics has any meaning. Physical characteristics such as gender and eye color have no context in which to operate. Social connections and position do not yet exist to someone who cannot yet recognize a face. There is no wealth, no power and only the barest, early traces of personality in a newborn. Everything else is still raw, unshaped potential.

As we grow from infancy to adult, it is the interaction of genetics and circumstances that determines how our human potential develops. These interactions are all shaped and governed by people. At first, our families are the ones who influence and provide meaning to our lives. They provide for or fail to provide for our needs. They teach us what it means to be human, they distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, and they provide us with a foundation on how to interact with other people. Over time, the family’s role in shaping us fades more into the background as the rest of society takes an increasing role. Teachers, religious institutions, the media and peers all contend with parents for influence in shaping our lives, until we ourselves as adolescents emerge as individuals and begin truly to make decisions for ourselves. It is this capacity to make one’s own decisions on values and behavior that separates adults from children, and it is how we make those decisions that reveals our character.

What we tend to forget, however, is that we are always still that newborn baby, consisting of nothing but potential. Yes, we have characteristics because of our pasts and our DNA, but those only have meaning if we give it to them. We always have the option to be reborn – to set aside the teachings and determinations provided by parents and culture, and to find new ways to interpret the circumstances of our lives. We do not have to be who others say we are; as adults, we have the power to make our own decisions. We do not have to follow the paths provided to us; we can go in new directions and can establish new paths for others to follow.

In more pragmatic terms, as adults, we have the power to look at the institutions and attitudes in our lives, and to either accept them, reject them, change them or replace them. In fact, if we live in a free and open society, we have the responsibility to examine these systems and to adjust them as necessary. As adults, we decide the values we hold, and we choose how to express those values in our businesses, our government, our religious practices and our arts. We do not have to mimic what we have inherited from our parents; we have the ability and power to build new ways of living that are more true to our chosen values. We are adults. We make our own decisions. We are born with endless potential, and that potential is still here. We can become whomever we want to be.

Many people think that the opposite of love is hatred, for hatred seeks to harm the one whom love would uplift. Others say that the opposite of love is indifference, for indifference ignores the other person altogether. While it is true that both hatred and indifference oppose love, they are each too small in scale to serve as love’s polar opposite. The true force that opposes love is self-centeredness.

It is self-centeredness that responds with hatred when another person hurts us or seems different from us. It is self-centeredness that responds with indifference toward those who cannot or will not benefit us. One may look at each of the “seven deadly sins”, and each of them is rooted in selfishness: envy, gluttony, greed, lust, pride, sloth and wrath. All things that stand against love are rooted in selfishness. All things founded in love require the taming of one’s own self-centeredness.

If we wish to become better human beings, then, our most essential task is to learn to get over ourselves. We need to truly get into our hearts that the world does not and should not revolve around us. The Golden Rule is a good starting place; when we manage to treat others the way we wish to be treated, we greatly improve our lives and the lives of those around us. The greater challenge, however, is to internalize that rule, to love others the way we wish to be loved. That is the true key to reaching our human potential.

When we do learn to live in love, amazing results can happen. People like Mother Theresa, Gandhi and Jesus all show the power of a life dedicated to love. While most of us are unlikely ever to attain that level of achievement in the area of love, we do have the ability to change our own corners of the world for the better. By tempering our own egos and developing our capacities for compassion, we can build stronger families, more productive workplaces, and healthier communities. It’s all a matter of love.

Racism stems from a broader context of social transactions that are often termed “prejudice.” What I find interesting is that while that word immediately stimulates negative feelings in the ears of most people, we are all prejudiced! It is impossible for us to operate in the world without being prejudiced. Prejudice is the mechanism that enables us to discriminate among an unmanageable number of variables to make choices. Most of us have limited resources and must make quick choices. Prejudice is, in fact, a very useful tool in assisting us in the process of discriminating among a large number of variables.

“Prejudice” really simply means “prejudgment”. It means that we have used certain characteristics to help us efficiently sort among variables of an unknown and assist in our decision making. We use prejudice in all kinds of shopping decisions to help sort among variables. In today’s world, those of us who spend time on the Internet are quite familiar with the sorting devices that the social networking platforms give us to discriminate among our viewers and contacts. We need to be clear, then, in our understanding that to be “prejudiced” is not a bad thing. In fact it is a vital protective and selective device.

So where does it turn from being a useful social device to becoming a destructive and hateful device? Terms such as “all Black people are lazy” are phrases that characterize inappropriate, hateful and non-factual uses of the concept of “prejudice.”

Both within and without the GLBT community this has been a troublesome social phenomenon. It is troublesome because, while members of the GLBT community have been victims of prejudice and discrimination, they have also been perpetrators. One would expect that their victim status would make them extremely intolerant of prejudice and discrimination, and yet they go on inflicting the social disease on others (of course, without intending to do so).

Anyone who understands social dynamics is really not surprised, because people who have been wounded typically will wound other people. Nevertheless, the cycle of woundedness must be broken. The first step in breaking the cycle is creating awareness. We must become aware of how our behavior is hurting each other – on a very practical, day-to-day level. Whether we are part of an oppressor group or an oppressed group, we participate in prejudice in destructive ways that range from unconscious to intentional.

Many people have no awareness of the repeating patterns of their relationships. They never see the macro view. No healing can occur, because they are limited to the micro view. The solution may be as simple as finding a process observer. A process observer is a person outside the relationship (such as a close friend) who can observe behaviors and events over time. That person can provide objective feedback to the participant(s). There is a scripture in the Bible that says, “Physician heal thyself.” What that means is that the best doctor in the world cannot heal himself – it takes intervention from another doctor. We all need a process observer.

Racism is very insidious. Most people would not want to be racists. Like the serpent in the Garden of Eden, it creeps up on people in insidious ways. A process observer can show each of us how racism is evident in our relationships. Individually, each of us should have a goal to discover who we are at core level. Once that is achieved, we will not need to diminish another in order to elevate ourselves.

Only we can decide what discriminators are useful for our decision making and which represent hateful bias in our lives. The Henry Louis Gates issue was useful in calling our national consciousness to one aspect of this broad and deep issue. His high profile status brings a face that could not be brought by thousands of other nameless, non-cached individuals.

Down here on the ground we can see all the differences that divide us — race, gender, age, religion, social class – but from a view atop the mountain, we are less able to see those differences. At the leadership level, we must be blind to race and other divisive characteristics. We need to listen to reasonable voices from good people without regard to their gender, race, social class, or other demographics. The voice of wisdom may come in unlikely packaging. Scripture says, “Be careful how you entertain strangers, for some have entertained angels unaware.”

Emotional abuse is a major problem in our culture today, whether experienced in our private relationships or in our public discourse. From parents verbally and physically abusing their children to spouses abusing each other, our homes often are places of emotional scarring, rather than places of refuge and repose.

And what happens in our private domain gets mirrored in our public forum. We have all witnessed the shameful tension around the health care debate. That debate is no less vitriolic than the discourse around issues such as national security, the housing crisis, the national debt, education, and a host of other critical issues. While no one will debate the importance of these issues — or the passion that they deserve — what is sad, and even frightening, is the emotional abuse that we bring to our handling of these issues.

The character attacks (including racial assaults and even death threats) go far beyond healthy political discussion, and reach a level of emotional abuse at a mass group level.

Whether emotional abuse occurs at the family level or the mass group level, it stems from a struggle over power relationships. In our October 13, 2009 post, Why Do We Fight? we discussed the innate tendencies toward fighting to resolve conflict. Ultimately, we can stay stuck at this level, or we can choose to move to a new level of conflict resolution. It is the level that all the great masters tried to teach us: the way of Love.

Although this sounds simple — and it is — it is not easy. Embracing love as the way to resolve conflict is the most robust skill we can master. We must begin by mastering our own internal enemies (our ego), and along the way, being able to embrace the foibles of the other person — or group. When we truly know who we are, then we can accept others just as they are — without trying to change them.

We spend tremendous energy trying to change other people, which simply does not work. Even if a person is going to make changes, they will do so because they are ready to do so. Our inspiration may be one of many influences in their change process, but their change is a work of spirit — not our genius or judgment.

Rather than abusing each other, by tearing each other down, we need to spend all of the energy we can muster building each other up. My mother was a very wise person, although she was a high school drop-out. One of her very wise sayings was, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” So many times I have learned to look for the good in everybody by forcing myself to say nothing until I had something good to say.

We at the IFL received the following text in an email, and we were invited to forward it.  Although the advice is very general, it contains great wisdom.

Another year is upon us. 

 

                                  Let’s get ready for “2010″ !!!!

 

                                              HANDBOOK 2010

 

        Health:

         1.       Drink plenty of water.

         2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a  prince

                   and dinner like a beggar.

         3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and 

                   plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants..

         4.       Live with the 3 E’s — Energy,   and Empathy Enthusiasm

         5.       Make time to pray.

         6.       Play more games

         7.       Read more books than you did in 2009 .

         8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes  each day

         9.       Sleep for 7 hours.

        10.      Take a  10-30 minutes walk daily.

                    And while you walk, smile.

 

        Personality:

        11.      Don’t  compare your life to others.

                   You have no idea what their journey is all about.

        12.      Don’t have  negative thoughts or things

                    you cannot control.

                    invest your energy in  the positive present moment.

        13.      Don’t over do. Keep your limits.

        14.      Don’t take  yourself so seriously. No one else does.

        15.      Don’t waste  your precious energy on gossip.

        16.      Dream more while you are awake

        17.      Envy is a  waste of time. You already have all you need..

        18.      Forget  issues of the past.

                   Don’t remind your partner with

                   His/Her mistakes of the past. 

                       That will ruin your present happiness.

        19.      Life is too  short to waste time hating anyone.

                   Don’t hate others.

        20.     Make peace  with your past so it won’t spoil the present.

        21.     No one is  in charge of your happiness except you.

        22.     Realize  that life is a school and you are here to learn.   

        23.     Smile and laugh more.

        24.     You don’t  have to win every argument. … Agree to disagree

                  Problems are simply part  of the curriculum that appear

                  and fade away like algebra class…..

                  but the lessons  you learn will last a lifetime.

 

        Society:

        25.     Call your  family often.

        26.     Each day give something good to others.

        27.     Forgive  everyone for everything..

        28.     Spend time w/ people over the age of 70

                   & under the  age of  6.

        29.     Try to make at least three people smile each day.

        30.     What other  people think of you is none of your business.

        31.     Your job  won’t take care of you when you are sick. 

                   Your friends will. Stay in touch.

        Life:

        32.    Do the  right thing!

        33.    Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or  joyful.

        34.    GOD  heals everything.

        35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change..

        36.    No matter  how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

        37.    The best is  yet to come..

        38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

        39.    Your Inner  most is always happy. So, be happy.

 

Race is an omnipresent factor in our society.  It shapes how we see ourselves and is a primary way in which we classify other people.  We view race as essentially tied to social class, education, culture, income and a host of personality traits.  Race is so powerful in shaping our perceptions that it is difficult to imagine a “colorless” world.

What may be surprising is that race as we currently understand it is a very new concept.  For most of human history and across most cultures, racial characteristics have been seen as interesting, but irrelevant.  People knew that foreigners had different coloration, facial features and hair textures, but no special significance was attached to these differences.  To the Romans, for instance, a citizen was a citizen, whether born in Italy or Nubia.  The ancient Greeks believed that racial differences were entirely environmental in origin, so that a person who spent enough years in a foreign land would take on the appearance and temperament of that land’s people.  Early writers would occasionally hurl racial epithets at their enemies, and every people saw themselves as more beautiful than anyone else, but there was no real sense of racial identity beyond the local tribe.  The differences we now categorize as racial were simply the external features that indicate an exotic origin.  If someone with foreign features became part of “our tribe”, then having a different coloration became irrelevant for that person.  They were one of “us”.

It was only within the past few hundred years, when Europeans conquered and colonized the rest of the world, that the idea of race as we now understand it developed.  Europeans created this new notion of race to justify their economic exploitation of others, especially in the slave trade.  When Europeans arrived in a new land, they justified their conquests by claiming that they were bringing Christianity to an ignorant people.  The problem was that once the indigenous people were converted, there was no longer any rationale for the Europeans’ continued abuses.  The idea of race was therefore invented to create an excuse for continued exploitation.  If local people were somehow intrinsically unable to govern themselves, then Europeans were justified in staying and maintaining control.  If people from Sub-Saharan Africa were not truly human, then it would be morally acceptable to treat them as livestock.  Race became a way to define non-Europeans as less than human, so that European imperialism and exploitation could be justified.  It allowed Europeans to sleep at night because the people they were abusing were not recognized as human.

Today, while the theory behind race continues to be false, the experience of race is real.  It is no longer purely a European phenomenon; all racial groups are complicit in maintaining the notion of race, for each benefits from it.  Those of “dominant” races use race to define their own way of life as superior, requiring always that others adapt to their way of doing things and never the other way around.  Minority races use race to claim victim status, which may then be used used to justify and motivate everything from greater personal drive to calls for entitlement or violence.  All racial groups have political and religious leaders who solidify their own power by directing fear and hatred toward other groups.  In the end, race is a concept that comforts us with real feelings of self-righteousness, but those feelings are based upon smoke and mirrors.

The reality is that race does not exist except in our minds.  It only has power because we have given power to it; there is no factual basis to our racial categories.  Even the most race-obsessed societies, such as Nazi Germany and the pre-Civil War U.S. South, could not create uniform and sensible ways of classifying people by race.  A global map showing each place’s dominant skin color would not show a world of “red and yellow, black and white”, but a broad and softly varying spectrum of earth tones.  The variations between us are too gradual to fit into the racial categories we have created.  The only scientifically sound racial group is the human race.  All others are illusions.

Perhaps it is time to return to the ancient understanding that race is simply the physical features that indicate a person’s land of origin.  These features may be distinctive, but they have no inherent value.  If we let go of our obsession over race, we will lose some of our own sense of self-righteousness, but in the end, we will become stronger by unifying as one people.  Given the global nature of the challenges we now face, we need to get beyond the artificial divisions that separate us.  The illusion of race only hinders us from building a better future.

So often when we look at the big problems in our relationships or society, the answers are quite simple — but doing what it takes is not easy.  Although we could give many examples, we want to focus on one specific issue: fighting.  In a previous post we explored the basis of fighting in our nature, and how it impacts us at a personal level and affects our national discourse.

It is no secret to anyone who has been reading newspapers or watching TV that fighting and aggression have become far too common in our national discourse and character.  In much of the recent political fighting, each party suggests when the other party is in power that the other party has an underlying agenda to dissolve our democratic form of government in favor of socialism or a dictatorship.  Both sides use deliberately provocative, misleading and inflammatory language to confuse and enrage the public against the other side.  Here is a quote from Alexander Fraser Tytler (1748-1813) that provides an interesting perspective:

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government.  It can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves largesse from the public treasury.  From that moment on, the majority always votes for the candidates promising the most benefits from the treasury with the result that a democracy always collapses over loose fiscal policy, always followed by a dictatorship.  The average age of the world’s greatest civilizations has been 200 years.  These nations have progressed through this sequence: ‘From bondage to spiritual faith; From spiritual faith to great courage; From courage to liberty; From liberty to abundance; From abundance to selfishness; From selfishness to apathy; From apathy to dependence; From dependence back into bondage.’

What if the alternatives were moving from fighting to love, rather than moving from abundance to selfishness?  It’s simple, but it’s not easy.

We humans have a fundamental need to belong; we need to feel emotionally connected to others.  When we do not experience enough human contact in our lives, we feel lonely.  Loneliness is especially common following the death of a loved one or the ending of a relationship, or when a person spends much of his or her time at home.  Loneliness may be spiritually enlightening, but it could also lead to a self-perpetuating cycle of depression.  That is why it is essential for those who do feel loved to seek out and extend a hand to those who are becoming disconnected.  A little bit of human kindness and compassion may prevent a great deal of anguish.

What elements in your life distract you from noticing those with social needs?  When you do notice someone who might be lonely, what fears cause you to hesitate in engaging him or her?  How valid are those fears?  When you begin to feel lonely, does receiving a phone call, a visit from a friend or a pleasant conversation make a difference?  Who do you know right now who could use some extra support?

Our eighth Question of the Week is on the topic of family.  Fee free to discuss other aspects of the topic that you feel are relevant.

Over the past 50 years, the structures of American families have changed profoundly.  Relocating for jobs has spread families over large areas, diminishing the presence and influence of extended families.  Higher divorce rates and lower worker incomes (when adjusted for inflation) have pressured all adults to enter the workforce.  Some people have responded to these changes by demonstrating their love for their families through spending money rather than time on their families.  These families live in large houses, have many things and activities in their lives, but they have relatively little personal interaction.  Other people have chosen to stay at home to provide personal care and to teach personal values, but they may have had to accept social scorn and a lower financial standard of living as a result.  A third group of people strive for some sort of middle ground through part time or work-from-home employment.

How do you determine how much of your time is spent maintaining and growing your family’s income, and how much time is used as “face time” with your family?  What do your choices teach children about your values?